Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
