i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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