did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
