Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so let's talk penis.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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