Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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