do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
