Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
