Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It's rum buckets o'clock
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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