I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
