I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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