Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
