I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
