oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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