I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
