Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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