Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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