I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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