ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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