There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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