Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
