i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
