and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
