your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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