So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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