I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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