Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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