you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
