I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
