Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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