he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
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