i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
