He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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