I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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