I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
