His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
