I smell stomach acid.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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