I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Randomize
