ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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