I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
