i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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