you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize