Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
