She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
