So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
