My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
