I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it's great music for shaving your balls
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
