You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Randomize
