my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
