i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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