Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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