Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
