I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
