So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
nutella sex= disaster
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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