Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
